My apology to the world,
I’m sorry to those that I’ve been a shit friend, I’m sorry to those I’ve shut down and ignored, I’m sorry to the people that needed me to be strong when I couldn’t.
Yup I know on paper my shit probably looks good, 4 awesome kids, a genuine super hero lady wife, supportive family and all that. But despite all this I have made mistakes, I have lost, I’ve carried the weight of the world and allowed myself to be trampled into darkness.
I know I may have sometimes appeared open about my struggles, but the truth is I’ve still kept so much locked away, playing down the true weight of a thousand concrete blocks crushing me, permanently dragging me down as I claw at the sides trying to get back to the guy that I once was. But I’m not that guy, not anymore. I didn’t want to admit it, I didn’t want to hear it, I just wanted to be normal. But I guess I’m NOT NORMAL, probably never have been, and that’s ok with me.
It’s time to be honest, face the facts, I’ve been a twat, never fully taking the time to listen, to understand, to realise that I haven’t been moving forward at all, in fact I’ve been falling backwards, falling back hard, crashing into others, unable to steady myself or put my arms out for help as I held so much so close.
So I am sorry if I’ve bumped into you, I am all kinds of sorry to anyone I’ve let down, but it’s time to draw a line, I can’t move on with the weight of the past killing me.
I’m going to leave it here now, take one big step forward and not look back. I hope to catch up, to stand with you, But totally understand if not everyone’s ready, if you take a step to the side, awkwardly avoiding me, that’s fine. I’m not going to force it, just know I’m here.
For those now like WTF? This guy, he writes a good letter, it’s super passionate, but I don’t understand, several years ago I misjudged a situation, that then lead to a few years of unbearable stress, I began to make mistakes, some people took advantage of this, I spiralled down, couldn’t see a way out, was failing on all parts, it wore me away until I was physically unwell, I felt I had nothing left to give, that everyone, my family would be better off without me. I tried to kill myself. I thought about, fantasised about it for months, how to do it, where to do it, I wanted it over, but I didn’t want my family to have to be the ones to find me. In the end it was a spur of the moment decision an unplanned moment of overwhelming weakness that thankfully backfired.
At that moment I realised calling quits isn’t the way, I might be broken, beaten, but how could I possibly give in now, sure I might have found peace, but it would have came at a cost to my family, I would have left them alone, unable to shelter them and to care for them, stand with them and be sure the world could never ground them down as it has me! When I became a parent, I had given all rights to end my life.
Realising this was one thing, it gave me enough fight to carry on, but the feelings, the thoughts didn’t stop, I’ve fought every day since, desperately trying to push it down and avoid situations that could ever possibly make me feel that vulnerable, that worthless again. It seemed a good plan, but had basically left me a shell filled with regret, guilt, fear and worry for the past 5 years, slowly destroying me inside until earlier this year it took its toll and I became severely unwell. Half a decade of bottling things up to scared to face them, meant that my family were to now face the fear and worries I’d spent all this time trying to protect them from. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! Anyone could tell you how much they mean to me, what I would do for them, I’d set the freaking world on fire, and that’s just what I’ve done! It’s time to start over, properly this time!
I’m still not 100% but I now know who I am, I’m unconventional, I’m creative, I’M A PARENT!
TODAY IS MY DAY!
Please don’t feel we need to make a scene or anything about this, I get it may come as a bit of a shock to many of you. I am now in a place where I’m happy to talk about it, but equally understand that sometimes it’s a topic rather avoided. I’m just looking to apologise and explain to those close to me that I might have been distant with, put a FAT OFF line in the sand and move on as I knuckle down and start making BIG CHANGES!
Heather
Sweetheart, I only just met you and now I’ve moved away. But I know a good ‘un when I meet one. Well done, you are a brave chap and will rise to the surface again. Keep swimming up. Love from your ex Parkwood buddy (the off colour remark’s one!) xx
BERTIE
Thank you Heather, I know it was only brief before you deserted us but our little Parkwood family genuinely have made it easier fining my feet again.
Looking forward to the occasional visit when you’re down this way and HAPPY BIRTHDAY for the other day!
Lots of love B x
wayne rowland
Top man keep going and be strong.👍👍💪💪
BERTIE
Thank you Wayne 🙂
Julia Graham
Onwards and upwards – look forward to sharing your journey xx
BERTIE
Thank you Julia, it really means a lot having good friends around us!
Jacqui Frampton
You have absolutely no need to apologise to anyone or for anything. You were a positive influence on everyone you met within the TBN network – you are greatly missed and remembered often.
Many congratulations on the safe arrival of your new baby daughter – how thrilled her big brothers must be.
Every good wish to you and yours Bertie – I really do hope we may catch up sometime in the not too distant future
kindest regards
BERTIE
Thank you so much Jacqui, It really means a lot! Thankfully I’m now getting back my feet, filled with all kinds of fire, once I’ve got my next steps in order I should imagine my furry face will begin to make appearances at TBN.
Yes it’s all still very exciting/manic in our house, the boys love being big brothers and I’m still in shock that we now have a little princess, after 3 boys I kind of took the scans with a pinch of salt.
I look forward to the catch up 🙂
Thanks Bertie
Joy
Well done Sweetheart this took a lot of courage I am so very proud of you love you all loads xxxx
BERTIE
Thank You Auntie Joy, Hope everything is well with you guys out there? Lots of love from us all here 🙂 xx